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The Myths about Sexual Pleasure

February 26, 2019 by Olivia

Most of us don’t learn about sex and pleasure in any meaningful way. What we learn from our culture especially from pornography, the movies and magazines are limited, unrealistic and fundamentally flawed. Yet many believe this is how sex is and the messages filter into our sex lives from day one. When our sexual experiences don’t match up to this cultural fantasy, we blame ourselves or our partners; we’re/they’re not getting it right, there’s something wrong with us/them, we’re not good enough. I could go on.

I’d like to share with you the most common myths that my clients believe about sex, in no particular order. You may well recognize some or all of these. They’re the myths that greatly limit our sexual pleasure and cause pressure, worry and anxiety for many many people. My hope is that by reading these, you’ll start to see a different and more fulfilling way to experience your sexual pleasure, either by yourself or with others.

Myth 1 – You should know what to do: This is possibly the most crippling myth of all. The myth that we’re all naturally skilled and extraordinary lovers as if we are born this way. That we should always know what to do and how to turn our partners on and if we don’t, then there’s something wrong with us. Through the media, we’re bombarded with images and words about the perfect sex life which set up unrealistic expectations and make you feel even worse. The article on ‘how to drive your lover wild’ means nothing when your sexual confidence is low and you don’t feel that you can talk to anyone about it.

Some people have a natural flair for cooking or dancing or sport whilst for others, it takes time to build their confidence and learn the skills. But with time and practice, everyone can learn to cook or dance or play a sport. It is the same with sex and there is so much you can learn. What are you interested in? What are you curious about? There’s a wealth of information about sex. You can research the internet, take a class, read a book or watch a DVD and practice, practice, practice! If confidence or sexual concerns are affecting you, sex coaching can make a difference. I’d love to hear from you.

Myth 2 – Sex always involves penetration with a penis and if it doesn’t, then it isn’t ‘proper’ sex: When we’re always striving to get to the perceived end goal of penetration it limits us. How about defining sex in its broadest sense, opening up to the vast range of sexual and sensual pleasure that’s available to us. It’s so much more than genital contact and may not include genital contact at all. It doesn’t matter whether you’re experiencing a sensual head massage or oral sex – as long as it’s pleasurable!

Myth 3 – Sex always finishes with ejaculation and orgasms and if it doesn’t then you have somehow ‘failed’: This is usually combined with myth two and the pressure to have a full erection. Research suggests that up to 75% of women don’t orgasm through penetration. Not all men ejaculate and orgasm. Ejaculation and orgasms are part of the spectrum of sexual activities that we can experience but when you feel you always ‘should’ end with them, it can create pressure and anxiety – not pleasure. You can have a fulfilling sexual experience without either.

Myth 4 – Your sexual arousal ‘should’ continue to increase until you orgasm/ejaculate: Our cultural model of sexual arousal is based on the way that early sexologists defined male arousal. You get aroused, you enjoy your arousal which builds and builds until you get to the point of no return and you have an orgasm/ejaculation. This can be associated with expectations that your arousal will also get stronger and stronger and that you need to go faster and faster to achieve this. This can be very pleasurable however we have taken this stereotypical view and applied to everyone. We all try and fit our arousal into this restricted model which limits how we experience our sexual pleasure.

Yes, our pleasure can increase but also, it naturally ebbs and flows, as do erections. Our emotions, health, relationships, stresses, motivations, sexual stimuli on the day all affect our sexual arousal, as does our knowledge of our bodies and how our own arousal is generated and cultivated. It may be that you choose not to have an orgasm/ejaculation. It may be that your arousal feels softer and more relaxed and you want to go slowly. There are many more possibilities for our pleasure if we let go of how we perceive our arousal ‘should’ be.

Myth 5 – You should always know what your partner/s want: This could be called ‘telepathic sex’ where you’re expected to able to read your partner’s mind and always know exactly what they want and how they like it. This can get messy. We don’t actually know as we haven’t asked them, so we pretend we know or make assumptions about what we think the other person will like. Then our partners find they’re not enjoying it or wishing you could change it slightly but they don’t want to upset you or they think there’s something wrong with them for not enjoying it so they don’t say anything! There are many more versions of the ‘telepathic sex’ scenario.

When we go out for a meal, we don’t guess what our partner wants and order it with our fingers crossed. They decide what they fancy to eat on that day as it changes, just as our pleasure changes. One moment we might like it slow and sensual, the next raunchy and wild. Communicating what you’d like and how you’d like it transforms your sexual pleasure from good to great.

Myth 6 – Masturbation isn’t really sex, its a poor substitute to partner sex: Masturbation or my preferred term, solo sex, is perceived as something that is ‘less than’ partner sex, as something you do when you haven’t got a partner and when you get one, you stop doing it. Solo sex is having sex with yourself and isn’t comparable to having sex with a partner as they’re two different sexual activities.

Research shows that people who have regular solo sex (whether single or in relationships) are more likely to have better health, better relationships, more fulfilling sex lives and an overall increase in self-confidence. With solo sex, you continue to learn about your body, your pleasure and how it changes. From this place, you can teach another what you like and are more confident in communicating your needs and desires, which will enrich your sexual experiences.

Myth 7 – Sex is about putting on a great performance for the other person/s: That it’s your job to turn the other person on and that you ‘should’ look good or act in a certain way. This belief often comes from the media and how we perceive we ‘should’ be. Sex is about enjoying yourself and your partner/s. Enjoying yourself is to feel free to be who you are in your naturalness and to go with the flow of your body and the experience.

Myth 8 – You ‘should’ naturally produce enough lubrication to have sex: There is a belief that women should always be able to produce enough natural lubrication for sex and if they don’t, either you can’t turn them on enough or something is wrong with them. We’re all unique and just as our vaginas look different, we all produce different amounts of lubrication and that can depend on many things – how aroused we are, age, medications we’re taking and many more. A good quality lubricant is an essential sex toy and can transform your sexual pleasure. It can be used by all genders and its great to use with a partner and also alone. It can change how you touch your genitals, inviting a more sensual touch and create new pleasurable sensations.

Myth 9 – Size matters: Only 55% of men are satisfied with their penis size. Many men worry that they are not wide enough or long enough. Penises in the movies and porn are always above average and men compare themselves to these. Whether you’re having sex with a woman or another man, our bodies internal anatomy is very different. Vaginas and anuses are different widths and lengths and some people prefer short wide penises, others slim penises. A sexual position with one person might be wonderful and not work with another and that’s totally natural. No two bodies are the same and when you come together, it’s about finding out what works for you both to get the best pleasure.

Myth 10 – There is ‘normal’ sex: People frequently ask me if they are ‘normal’. They want to know if their fantasies, desires and genitals are ‘normal’, that what they do sexually is ‘normal’. They compare themselves to their perception of ‘normal’ and are worried if anything they do deviates from this. It’s healthy to have fantasies and desires and there is a huge spectrum of choices for your sexual expression and as long as it’s with consenting adults it is totally natural. What is ‘normal’ for one person may be a turn off for another and vice versa. There is no ‘normal’. Interest in a wide range of sexual activities such as role play, kink, fetish and BDSM (bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadomasochism) is far more common than you think!

I hope you’ve found this selection of myths insightful and that they’ve given you some food for thought. They may have even challenged your beliefs and offered you some different ways to look at sex. I’d love to hear how you found this article and any comments and questions you have.

Energy

October 13, 2015 by Olivia

Essential to Tantric and Taoist teachings is the understanding of life – ourselves and the whole cosmos – as an energetic process. Both traditions recognize a masculine and feminine balance and a vital life force, through which we can experience Oneness.

In Tantric teachings, the primal male is called Shiva. He is the initiating principle, consciousness and pure light. The female is called Shakti and is the essential nature of becoming, the dynamic energy behind and within manifestation, of bringing forth creation and generating life. The vital force that creates and sustains us lives within us, and is called Kundalini: this is the energy within the psychic body lying dormant at the base of the spine. We can learn to connect with it and through a process of removing blocks, reunite with our Divine Source and experience Oneness, Non-Duality.

The Chinese tradition of Taoism emphasizes living in harmony with the Tao, the source and essence of everything that exists. ‘Tao’ has many meanings, it is the ‘way’, ‘path’ or ‘principle’, and also ‘reality’ or ‘nature’. Whilst the Tao pervades all, we experience the polar opposite qualities of Yang (light, masculine) and Yin (dark, feminine) in constant dynamic engagement. These female and male energies both oppose and complement each other and can become balanced and integrate. When they meet in the union we experience Oneness. The Taoists refer to the vital essence that the Universe is made of as Qi.

Most people are familiar with various other types of energy work and healing modalities, such as Reiki, which similarly recognizes our energetic make-up and connection to Source energy and consciousness.

As energetic beings, we can work consciously with this essential life force, to effect positive change and realize ourselves more fully.

My work primarily catalyzes energetic processes, and all bodywork experienced in sessions has an energetic intent.

Working with the sexual energy is much more potent and effects transformation more rapidly and powerfully, but sometimes subtler work can be just as effective or more appropriate for the individual. It is important to note that working with sexual energy does not necessitate an erotic context. This is, ultimately, a yogic practice of internal alchemy, and the erotic hue is entirely optional.

In addition to the facilitation during sessions, you will be trained in techniques that you can employ on your own or with a partner to continue to grow and expand your energetic sensitivity, capacity and power.

Continue to Breath, Sound and Movement >>

and Meditation >>

Get in touch if you would like to discuss how working with energy could be valuable to you.

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Breath, Sound and Movement

September 27, 2015 by Olivia

Breath is energy. Breath is life.

Breathing represents the flow of life force through our system and is the most immediate connection with our vital energy.

Conscious breathing is one of the easiest and most potent ways to work with energy, and much of the work we do centers around breath meditation and various types of breathing techniques. You will be guided in breathwork at different points during your session and will be encouraged to practise conscious breathing throughout your day.

Through conscious breath, you will immediately notice the benefits of greater mindfulness and embodiment. Self-realization will not seem such a distant feat!

“One who understands the breath quickly tastes the ecstasy of liberation.” – Goraksashastra

Sound and Movement

Together with Breath, Sound and Movement are the ‘pillars’ of Tantra.

Sound is an energetic form, so various types of sounding feature in Tantric practice and can be introduced in sessions to facilitate energetic processes. Likewise, movement, as a dynamic form or expression, also facilitates the direction and transformation of energy and enables release, balancing and ‘flow’. As a result, there are various forms of meditation practice that emphasize movement. In general, physical expression, movement is encouraged, including during bodywork. Specific movements may also be taught as part of physical and emotional healing, release and balancing processes.

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Bodywork

September 26, 2015 by Olivia

Bodywork begins with acknowledging our divine-human embodiment, embracing, honouring the body, and listening to its wisdom and truth.

Our body-mind, chemical balance, neurophysiology, emotions and thinking processes are interconnected and constantly changing. We feel at ease when we are in a state of ‘flow’ through life’s experiences, able to move through different physical, emotional, mental states without strain or residue.

Our experiences in life reflect in the body and can leave residual ‘memories’ which impact the flow of vital energy and the body’s natural processes. By working with the body we can by-pass a whole range of mental, emotional and temporal blocks, limiting beliefs and damaging patterns of behaviour. We can release old memories, conditioning and trauma, and experience ourselves more authentically and creatively.

Presence, conscious touch and loving intention allow the self-healing and regenerative capacity of our body to transform the whole of our being. The body knows how to work its magic…

I draw from Tantric and Taoist practices and other, modern styles of bodywork, with a special focus on energetics. You may opt for an immersive experience, on training and practising special techniques, or a combination of the two.

Bodywork ranges from bioenergetic and Yogic exercises to a hug, touching one’s hands, knees or feet, laying on of hands, or more extensive and specialized work.

Expanding the energetic capacity of the body parallels our ability to experience pleasure.

Most of us experience only a fragment of the pleasurable sensations that are humanly possible. Aided by Tantric and Taoist techniques, you will begin to experience heightened states, erotic trance, and extraordinary waves of pleasure.

My bodywork often employs hypnotic techniques and induces trance states.

It is a great feeling, to experience the body in a natural state of being and flow, but even in the midst of discomfort and tension, we can accept and celebrate our body, recognizing it as the Temple of our Soul, itself Divine. Transcendence becomes a real, tangible experience, as you open to heightened states of consciousness and sensation. This, more than anything else, is what you are invited to gift yourself with.

“He who realizes the truth of the body can then come to know the truth of the universe.” – Tantra Shastras

Bodywork may be included in sessions in accordance with individual needs, and may also be combined with Breath and Energy Work, and Meditation.

Elements of my work

September 26, 2015 by Olivia

Bodywork

Our experiences in life are reflected in the body and can leave residual ‘memories’ which impact the flow of vital energy and the body’s natural processes. By working directly with the body, we can bypass a whole range of mental, emotional and temporal blocks, and discover much greater joy and pleasure. Furthermore, the Tantric approach honours the body as Divine, and through this vehicle and our physical senses we may enter the energetic realm, transform our perception and heighten our consciousness. All my bodywork has energetic intent.

Find out more about Bodywork >>

Breath, Energy, Movement & Sound, Meditation

As well as working with the physical body it is vital to engage with the energetic body. Through breath, sound, movement and meditation we can work consciously with this essential life force, to effect positive change and realize ourselves more fully.

Find out more about Tantric and Taoist understandings of energy and how breath, sound & movement, and meditation can transform you.

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Tantra: The art of life

July 6, 2015 by Olivia

When people ask me to define tantra, I often begin by explaining that although tantra in North America focuses a lot on sexuality, traditionally tantric spirituality is about all parts of life. It is a path of finding enlightenment through the body.

What does that mean? Most spiritual traditions on this planet have focused on divorcing the Spirit from the body, on trying to get back to God as fast as they can by denying the body, and by judging Spirit as being more sacred or holy than Matter. Christianity, for example, used fasting and abstinence to leave the body behind and transcend to God. Sexuality and pleasure were looked upon as obstacles to holiness.

Tantra is different.

In Tantra, we see sexuality as a direct path to God. The sexual practices of red tantra open up the body to an experience of bliss that is as powerful as any drug. But there is more to Tantra than blissing out and having a lot of really great sex. Practicing tantra brings up the big woundings for healing. These wounds may come from trauma, neglect, rape, sexual abuse, or shaming. Through several years of deep practice, I healed many things in myself, including anxiety, letting go of control, self-love. Many of my clients have healed past sexual trauma and abuse. This healing leads to an experience of life and relationships that is very different. I experience as much or more pleasure in my relationships as I do pain. And when I feel pain its intensity is often greatly reduced. I also enjoy extremely good health with very little pain in my body. In addition to all these blessings, tantra has taught me how to be fully alive, vital and joyful in my skin. I walk around smiling and feeling my connection to everyone and to all of nature most of the time. And I’ve learned that this joy comes from letting the sexual energy move through my whole body. Most people call this energy sex when it’s in the pelvis, love when it’s in their heart, and spirituality when it’s in the head.

It’s all the same energy.

So for me, sexual energy is no different, better, or worse, than any other kind of energy. But the implications are even bigger. If I practice tantra, and it’s all the same energy, then tantra can be applied to every part of life. This means that I can apply the principles of tantra to parenting, my community, my romantic relationships, my business, my finances, my physical health and wellness, and even to my enlightenment path. This viewpoint has given birth to a life where I practice my spirituality in each moment and with each person in each situation. There is no separation for me between the tantric practice that I do with my beloved and the way that I speak to the teller at the bank.

Never Had An Orgasm? Here’s What You Need To Know

June 5, 2015 by Olivia

If you’ve never had an orgasm to the best of your memory or knowledge, you’re not alone. Statistics on this vary, but it’s generally acknowledged that between 10 to 20% of women have never climaxed, compared to just 2% of men.

I refer to such women as pre-orgasmic, because they have not climaxed yet. For many such women, there can be feelings of shame, disappointment and frustration. They may feel disconnected from themselves sexually, or deficient somehow. Some women exclusively struggle with climaxing with a partner but are able to do so during masturbation. In either case, the absence of orgasm can catalyze feelings of inadequacy and anxiety.

The good news is that the body can learn, or in some cases relearn, how to reach orgasm. There is no scientific evidence supporting the idea that dysfunctions in the body can prevent one from having an orgasm; specifically, neither childbirth nor spinal cord injuries can prevent the body’s ability to climax forever! These days there are many approaches that one might take toward learning or relearning to orgasm. Of course, a big piece of the puzzle is letting go of the anxiety and possible obsession.

But here are six essential steps you can proactively take toward your orgasm. In fact, I’d say this is the best order in which to go about preparing your body to climax …

1. Watch what you put in your mouth.

It goes without saying that having a healthy body can affect your libido as well as your hormones, all of which impact on your ability to climax. In general, a diet which contains limited grains and sugars, and sufficient protein and healthy fats is key to keeping your hormones in optimal orgasm-mode. Paleo is an excellent option, but not necessary. See a nutritionist if in doubt!

Some medications, like anti-depressants, or birth control pills reduce key libido/arousal-related hormonal functions. Check your medications, and talk to your doctor about swapping meds, then see if this improves your arousal and sensation.

Premenopausal and menopausal hormonal changes can also make it more difficult to reach orgasm. In this case, you might consider some natural remedies that can improve your hormones, such as plant-based bioidentical hormones, herbs, or even some vitamin supplements. To find the best remedies for you, it’s worth consulting a naturopath or another practitioner who specializes in hormonal imbalance.

2. Work with your body.

Muscular constriction and structural misalignment are also culprits when it comes to female difficulties with orgasm. It’s very simple: a climax requires the free flow of neurons between the genitals and the brain, via the spinal cord and the cranial nerves.

Yoga is a wonderful way to free such constrictions and get the body connected to orgasmic energy, but so too can simple practices like stretching. A session with a massage therapist, chiropractor, or osteopath, or myofascial practitioner can also help.

3. Commit yourself to some kind of de-stressing routine (and really commit!).

Stress makes the body produce cortisol, and cortisol interrupts all the happy hormones of sexual arousal. Not to mention, it causes muscles to contract, particularly the muscles that are key to producing an orgasm. Find ways to de-stress, especially around the experience of intimacy. Go slowly. Make sure you feel safe and emotionally connected.

4. Learn your arousal cycle.

In the absence of physical constrictions or hormonal issues, orgasm is largely about the brain. It’s all about arousal, after all. Unfortunately, as many of us know, emotional and psychological patterning can block the arousal-to-orgasm trajectory. You may know the feeling of being in the bedroom, and suddenly getting distracted by an email you forgot to send, or a fight you had with a family member. Of course, this effect is especially intense when there is a history of sexual abuse, trauma or shame associated with physical intimacy.

The important thing here is that because of the brain’s neuroplasticity, our bodies and neural networks can be retrained. So consider what makes you feel aroused, and identify what path your arousal takes. Does it peak then stop, does it fizzle out, does it never get lift off?

Now you may even want to find a metaphor for what you’d like to happen instead. For example, if your arousal just suddenly stops mid-coitus, you might imagine that the opposite of this is the total loss of control, akin to how you might feel on a roller coaster. Once you find the metaphor, do at least two of the following exercises with it. Meditate imagining your metaphor for orgasm. Take this information to a good hypnotherapist and do some hypnosis. Or masturbate whilst thinking of it.

5. Masturbate, Masturbate, Masturbate

Get yourself on a steady diet of non-goal-focused, exploratory self-pleasure at least three times a week. At first, just pay attention to how you feel, where you feel sensation, and what thoughts or stimuli most put you in the mood.

Next, see how long you can stay in an aroused state, and pay attention to what happens in your body when your arousal wanes. Then, work with that metaphor from #4. Go past the point when you’d normally stop self-pleasuring, and imagine your metaphor, your version of the roller coaster.

6. Get some extra help.

Finally, if you feel that this is too difficult to address on your own, see a practitioner who is experienced in coaching you toward feeling pleasure, rather than someone who will just listen to your story. Your past is important, of course, but changing the way your body experiences pleasure is a goal-focused experience that requires active strategies, too.

Above all else, remember that your body knows exactly what to do, and all evidence indicates that it can learn with sufficient practice. With time, focus, and ample self-love, amazing things can happen.

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Sex Magic – Tantric Rituals

June 5, 2015 by Olivia

What is Sexual Magic?

The fundamental premise of sex magic is the concept that the sexual energy, or libido, of the human organism is the most potent force it contains, and harnessing the unique states that arise through sexual activity provides a special experiential conduit for the transcendence of nominal reality.

How is Tantra related to Sexual Magic?

Tantra can enable you to reach new heights of sexual pleasure and at the same time tap your sexual energy for creative use in other areas of your life.

It has taken many years for modern psychology to discover what the Tantric Masters have known all along – that all animals, including man, are in their most intense state of conscious and subconscious concentration during sexual involvement.

Through its rituals, Tantra teaches ways to carry this intense focus of concentration into all areas of life.

Tantra awakens the body, opens the heart and calms the mind. In this space, one can really hear the inspiring call of the heart’s desire and purpose. Linking that heart’s purpose to the power of one’s sexual energy is a secret of the truly great creators.

Napoleon Hill, the famous author of “Think and Grow Rich,” devotes an entire section of this landmark book to the magic of devoting one’s sexual energy to what that person wants to create, and Tantra is a practice that cultivates this open hearted power.

Tantric ritual makes it possible to devote the power of your sexual energy toward that which you want to create or attract, thus the term “sex magic.”

What else can I experience in exploring Tantra?

Tantric instruction makes it possible to enjoy longer periods of greater pleasure than you have ever known before.

It also opens you to fully enjoying the experience of being alive in every moment, wherever you are, whatever you are doing. By focusing on the experience of sensation – and we are sensing beings – and making that a focal point of concentration for the mind, life itself becomes a living meditation, and pleasure and fulfillment can be accessed at any time.

At its deepest and purist level, Tantra is a path of profound self-discovery and awakening.

Basically, Tantra seeks to move you back to your own origins – to help you reach your own roots of identity. Tantra would have you “experience the truth that is yourself” by following specific rituals which enable you to know yourself in a manner you have never experienced before.

In uncovering certain truths about yourself, you learn the truths of the world, the universe, and the psychic forces of enlightenment.

But this will happen only through the experience of Tantra, not through reading about it. They cannot be comprehended solely on an intellectual level. To be understood, the secrets and psychic knowledge of Tantra must be experienced through practicing the rituals.